The smallest acts of kindness can have a profound impact such as a smile, a thank-you, saying ‘hello’ or ‘sorry’. As Francis of Assisi notes: “A kind face is a precious gift”.
Maya Angelou observed “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
The following is a story sent by a group member illustrating how even in correction the greatest lessons are delivered kindly:
An old man meets a young man. The young man asks: “Do you remember me”?
The old man says no. The young man tells him he was his student, and the teacher asks: “What do you do now in life?”
“Ibecame a teacher ” said the young man. “Good” said the old man “like me”. “I became a teacher because you inspiredme to be like you “.
The old man asks the young man what had inspired him. The student told him this story:
“One day, a friend of mine, also a student, came in with a new watch, and I decided I wanted it and I stole it, I took it out of his pocket.
When my friend noticed that his watch was gone he immediately complained to the teacher. As that teacher you said: ” This student’s watch was stolen today. Whoever stole it, please return it”.
I didn’t return the watch because I didn’t want to. You told us you were going to search our pockets, one by one until the watch was found.
You would only look for this watch if we had our eyes closed. You went from pocket to pocket. When finding the watch in my pocket you took it. You continued searching everyone’s pockets. When finished you said. “Open your eyes, we have the watch”.
You never told who stole the watch. That day you saved my dignity. This could have been the most shameful day of my life. But because of your kindness I decided not to become a thief.
You did not shame me, scold me or moralise me. Through kindness I received your message clearly.
Thanks to you, I understand what a real educator needs to do. Do you remember this episode Professor? The Professor answers: “I remember the situation, the stolen watch, I didn’t remember you, because I also closed my eyes while searching. This is the essence of teaching, if to correct you must humiliate; you don’t know how teach.
Throughout this challenging period of time in which we have all had to deal with so much fear and uncertainty, one thing that has been really helpful for some has been the use of humour. The memes and jokes people have received have provided some welcome respite, raising spirits and maintaining a connection with others. This however does not in anyway disrespect or take anything away from the devastating impact this virus has had on the world, It merely provides a sense of escapism. In light of this we have included some light-hearted jokes below that we hope you will like and provide you with some respite!!
“If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?!”
“What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? AYE MATEY!”
“Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece!”
“My new shoes are very smart and they can dance all by themselves, clever clogs!”
“I put one of my jokes on someone else’s Facebook threads the other day and got no response… must have been lost in the post!”
“These new invisible tennis balls are fantastic, you just cannie whack ’em!”
“Not happythat my dog has only the one leg, It doesn’t sit well with me at all!”
“My mistake, I bought shaving foaminstead of deodorant, I will take that on the chin!”
“What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador!”
“Why couldn’t the bike stand up by itself? It was two tired!”
“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1!”
“I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off!”
“Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks!”
“What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? Bison!”
“Two peanuts were walking down the street one was a salted!”
What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
“You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet!”
“What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast!
“Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe!”
“What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European!”
“How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together”
“What’s the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings and Walt Disney!”
The current social distancing guidelines and living in self isolation means that many of us will have had to meet with ourselves in these times. Where ordinarily we would be with others we may now be alone, where we would find distraction and comfort in going to other places we are now at home. Where we may be in a difficult relationship at home it may now feel like there is no escape or relief and feeling very alone in the presence of another person who may not understand, care or connect with you.
Building the quality of our self to self relationship is very important in these times. There are a lot of terms around to describe our self relationship; self-worth, self-esteem, self-help, self-confidence, self-criticism, self-compassion, self-support, the list goes on. Some parts of the self to self relationship are helpful and others are not. Today it might be useful to grow those parts which will best sustain us in this difficult time.
It is useful to find those things within ourselves which can give us a sense of feeling safe, secure and reassured. Kindness, compassion and gratitude are helpful tools for this.
Speak kindly to yourself when you are struggling; it is understandable you would feel like this, it is a time of suffering in many different forms, many people are feeling sad, scared, lonely and many are grieving. Here are 10 self-compassion exercises by Kristin Neff to try being kind and reassuring with yourself when you have moments of struggle, overwhelm and upset.
Kindness, compassion and gratitude have emotional, physical, psychological, relational and societal benefits for the giver and receiver, it’s a win win!
‘Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle’, (Philo of Alexandria). This includes being kind to yourself in your own battles. Kind words diffuse negative situations and grow confidence, kind acts show love.
Gratitude focuses us on what we do have, when we are struggling it can help to re-calibrate us onto an upward spiral. We get the opportunity at the moment to say thank-you together as a society on Thursday nights at 8pm. If you haven’t tried this try, join in with the clapping for our NHS, care workers, shop keepers, refuse collectors, if you really want to go for it you can bang saucepans, if you have a ship, blow your horn.
Collect grateful thoughts in the morning to start the day well and at night-you might find you sleep better. When we meet together as a group we have a weekly ‘Good Notice Board’ where we each think of one good thing in the week-even if it was a tough week. Can you think of one good thing that has happened this week?
Compassion recognises the suffering of ourselves or others and desires to relieve that suffering. What do you need right now to feel cared for?
If we learn to find our own care, compassion and kindness to self we will fill our well from which these attributes will automatically flow to others. If we are trying to fulfil the second but not the first we will feel empty and worn out.
What was good about today? What went well? What was hard today-what kind words do you need to hear? What moved you-how can you reach out?
Paul Gilbert, one of the founders of Compassion Focused Therapy explains that we have a tricky brain, we didn’t choose for our brain to react like this, it’s not your fault you feel scared and anxious, and now we find ourselves here, in isolation. Because our brains have the capacity to imagine and create, in frightening times they can ruminate and worry which is how our brains have developed to protect us, we are shaped by the circumstances we were born into and did not choose this. So it is not our fault that our brains can sometimes loop round lots of anxious and depressive thoughts. Instead of putting yourself down for feeling anxious, learn more self-compassion and remember that you did not choose this brain. The good news is that by learning about applying compassion to ourselves we can feel more safe and secure and less anxious.
Studies about the effect of kindness, gratitude and compassion have shown that when engage in these towards ourselves and others it can improve our health, our immunity, slow down aging and make us feel happier.
This week we share poems from the group that they have either written, been amused or inspired by or are just helping us to get through. The first speaks to the all those home haircuts happening without out beauty parlours and barbers:
Haircut
Today I got a haircut And I think I’m going to cry Seeing myself in the mirror this way Just makes me want to die.
The top is way too short And my ears stick out all funny The back looks like the mangled tail Of a mutant Easter Bunny.
My bangs look like they lost real bad In a game of truth or dare. A word of advice, never ever let Your best friend cut your hair!
The second is anarrative on our changing world since the start of 2020
LOCKDOWN
In Scotland on Hogmanay 2019, The fireworks exploded, red, silver and green, The revellers partied to celebrate New Year, Not a care in the world, nothing to fear.
Meanwhile, in China, a new virus was born, Sure they could contain it, they chose not to forewarn, The virus spread fast, it was very contagious, As cases were found in Thailand, it was getting quite dangerous.
The virus was airborne, it loved public transport, It travelled worldwide, without needing a passport, Us Scots, never thought it would make it here, So much for 2020, being a lucky leap year.
The medical experts named the virus COVID-19, The 1st of March, when the first case in Scotland was seen, By then, 2,900 people worldwide were dead, and nearly 88,000 sick, In 10 days, the WHO labelled COVID-19 a pandemic.
Now it was real, it was happening to us, The number of Scots sick and dying, increased without fuss, We tried to keep a two metre distance, as we moved around our city or town, Biding our time, till we went into lockdown.
The first thing that changed, was groups of 500 or more, couldn’t be assembled, That meant spectator sports, marathons and concerts were cancelled,
Next, all holidays abroad were postponed, all other countries airports, and borders were closed, As a result, how this virus could ruin our airlines, became exposed. People who could, had to work from home, Social distancing was a must, sometimes you feel so alone,
Lots of companies buckled under the strain, Having to close and let staff go, the pandemic to blame. The schools all shut for the foreseeable future, So now people work from home, and play teacher,
Everyone over 70 or with health issues, Have to shield at home, at least 12 weeks, they don’t get to choose. Unemployment, has soared, people feel lost, No-one can tell, how much this pandemic has cost,
Not just financially, but emotionally barren, Though they have to socially distance, they need a companion. We don’t know what the world will be like, when this pandemic is over, Lots of people will be left with resentment and anger,
Hopefully you and everyone you love, get through this alive and well, If anything, it’s another adventure, you’ve lived to tell.
The third is an extract of a poem by Helen McClory which speaks to the strange times we are living through
A Charm
…A charm for the way through the days of demagogues. A charm for making a lie apparent, a truth evident, a lie scaled and upended. A charm against powerlessness. A charm against the fact that magic does not exist, a charm that has no power, but. A charm for the corner shop and all who sail in her. A charm for a plant in a window with dust on it, and a small cat who sees you and opens its mouth. A charm against consuming as feeble rejoinder to a sense of powerlessness. A charm for living. A charm for the living. A charm for all the lives that will have to resist. A charm for knowing history. A charm for seeing which side blood is buttered. A charm for autumn light. A charm for crossing the road without getting hit. A charm for all Cassandras. A charm for walking away from the end. A charm for gentleness. A charm for the fight. A charm for the air, a charm written on air, and rewritten and always needing to be rewritten. A charm for everyday. A charm against despair, and when it does come, for despair splitting like a frayed cord and sparking itself out to leave what is left, a cold feeling, less than content but fit to be retooled to better use. A charm for autumn light. A charm for the room you left. A charm against the room you left. A charm for the two worlds online and irl and more in which we live what is, and what we think it is. A charm for a lighter and a heavier heart. A charm against a hopeless future. A charm for frailty and continuing to fight. A charm for the world as it is, and your continuing to live in it.
Thefourthlooks at self-reflection and celebrating happy times
Before I die I will dance
Before I die I will dance There will be no tears of sadness And I will ask That all my friends Who come to say Goodbye Sing songs as they dance Throughout the day In memory of my life Before I die I will dance To remember my younger days When I danced up a storm My feet Flying aimlessly about While I danced With all the pretty ladies Until one fateful day I danced with the one Who stole my heart Who became my wife Who danced by my side Hand in hand I danced with the one Whose kisses were sweet Whose arms kept me warm During cold, cold nights Whose danced matched my own Step for step, heel for toe Until that day That my tears Stopped the dance When She could no longer Dance at all
A woman was waiting at an airport one night, with several long hours before her flight. She hunted for a book in the airport shops, bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.
She was engrossed in her book but happened to see, that the man sitting beside her, as bold as could be. . .grabbed a cookie or two from the bag in between, which she tried to ignore to avoid a scene.
So she munched the cookies and watched the clock, as the gutsy cookie thief diminished her stock. She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by, thinking, “If I wasn’t so nice, I would blacken his eye.”
With each cookie she took, he took one too, when only one was left, she wondered what he would do. With a smile on his face, and a nervous laugh, he took the last cookie and broke it in half.
He offered her half, as he ate the other, she snatched it from him and thought… oooh, brother. This guy has some nerve and he’s also rude, why he didn’t even show any gratitude!
She had never known when she had been so galled, and sighed with relief when her flight was called. She gathered her belongings and headed to the gate, refusing to look back at the thieving ingrate.
She boarded the plane, and sank in her seat, then she sought her book, which was almost complete. As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise, there was her bag of cookies, in front of her eyes.
If mine are here, she moaned in despair, the others were his, and he tried to share. Too late to apologize, she realized with grief, that she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief. *Valerie Cox*
We have talked in the group many times about why we fear the worst in certain situations. We then looked at the reasons behind this and how the brain’s threat system is activated towards a negative bias. How often have you be absolutely convinced of something, only to find out later that you were mistaken? Perhaps you were certain you put your keys on the dining table, but found them in your pocket. Or you were convinced you failed an exam, but ended up doing better than you thought.
Most of us have a tendency to err on the side of pessimism, justifying this by claiming it is more “realistic” and saying that we don’t want to get our hopes up and be disappointed.
‘The cookie thief’ is a fine example of how our initial reaction to situations is not always the correct one.
The world it got so busy There were people all around, They left their germs behind them, In the air and on the ground
These germs grew bigger and stronger They wanted to come and stay They didn’t want to hurt anyone They just really wanted to play
Sometimes they tried to hold your hand Or tickled your throat or nose They could make you cough or sneeze And make your face as red as a Rose
And so these germs took over They started to make people ill And with every cough we coughed More and More germs would spill
All the Queens and kings had a meeting “It’s time to clean the world up they said” And so they had to close lots of fun stuff, Just so the germs couldn’t spread.
We couldn’t go to cinemas Or restaurants for our tea There was no football or parties The world got as quiet as could be.
The kids stopped going to school The mums and dads went to work less Then a great big, giant scrubbing brush Cleaned the sky, and the sea And the mess!
Dads started teaching the sums, Big brothers played with us more, Mums were in charge of homework And we read and played jigsaws galore!
The whole world was washing their hands And building super toilet roll forts! Outside was quiet and peaceful, Now home was the place for all sports
So we played in the world that was home And our day filled up with fun and love All the germs they grew smaller and smaller And the sun watched up from above.
Then one morning the sun woke up early She smiled and stretched her beams wide The world had been fully Spring Cleaned It was time to go back outside!
We opened our doors oh so slowly And breathed in the clean and fresh air, We promised that forever and always Of this beautiful world we would take care
This week’s topic was set a couple of months ago, but as many nations in the world readjust to lockdown it is important that we, and our policy makers attend to looking after our mental wellbeing. We had not anticipated that the whole world would be in a crisis. We are in this together; there is a lot of help and support out there. Nearly all are affected by the rise in global fear and uncertainty, the change in routine. Some are facing devastating financial consequences or a domestic situation which may now be very isolating or, on the opposite spectrum offers no respite from a difficult or even dangerous relationship. For people living with a mental health diagnosis such as anxiety, depression, OCD or bi-polar, there is a temporary inability to access usual support, this is a challenging time.
The group who meet for ‘A Life Worth Living’ are skilled and supportive of each other in recognising when they may be becoming unwell and what can be put in place which helps. We will look at a few of these things now and then consider some of the extra advice which is now offering additional strategies for managing this health crisis and all of it’s other implications.
Over the years of various conversations in the group we have learned that there are some signs to start paying attention to in order to maintain mental wellbeing; these are a change in sleeping patterns such as insomnia, disrupted sleep or oversleeping; significant changes in mood, such as feeling low or high, a loss of routine which may impact taking medication, attending appointments and again, sleep or meals. These factors may lead to previous coping strategies such as self-harm or risk taking; for example addictive behaviours like overspending or using substances. Please search our archive for previous topics.
So what helps? Well, our first defence is awareness and recognition of some of the above signs which can make us vulnerable to becoming unwell. Once we are aware we can put some strategies in place and get help.
General tips for mental well being in addition to the five steps to well-being pictured below are to eat well, rest well and avoid stress! All sometimes easier said than done.
In order to take care of an existing mental health diagnosis it is good to have a knowledge of yourself and when you might be vulnerable. Perhaps there are people you can talk to if you have noticed a change in mood or routine, or maybe you keep a self-care box, ready with phone numbers of supportive friends and family, helplines, chocolate, favourite socks, poems or quotes, anything which will remind you to be kind and compassionate to yourself, that you are deserving of care and the things which will look after you if you start to struggle.
Please see the links below for more ways to look after your mental health at this time:
*Due to the current CV-19 world health pandemic and how it affects us all we felt it would be good to have a look back at a group we did a couple of months ago. We hope doing this can provide some hope in what are uncertain times. We also hope through this health crisis we can have even more appreciation for our beautiful planet.*
This week’s blog is looking at a discussion we had about places people would like to live or visit. Our format for this discussion used the below template;
Whatdo youlike about this destination?
Culture?
Climate?
Scenery?
The people?
Lifestyle?
Communication skills?
Traditions?
Some destinations group members mentioned included; Bermuda, Southern Italy, Florida, Maui (Hawaii) and Northern Africa. Some of the reasons for this were;
Bermuda: Laid-back lifestyle, familiarity and churches
Southern Italy: The food, the people and the culture
Florida: The warm climate, language and laid-back lifestyle
Maui: The lifestyle, the scenery and the tranquility
Northern Africa: The wildlife, the scenery and sense of adventure
At this time when nobody can travel away for a holiday it is still very important to take a break. You might need some space to get your head around this situation or even if you’re working from home or around children. Lots of places have made virtual tours of their exhibitions available to us. Please click below to visit!
When people’s lives are tragically impacted by suicide this can feel extra difficult because of the stigma which sometimes still exists in society. People may feel they don’t know how to address it or speak about it. It can feel very lonely, a disenfranchised grief and the impact on the person left behind can last a lifetime.
People left behind by a loss by a suicide can feel all sorts of powerful emotions including overwhelming sorrow, grief, loss, anger and guilt. They may think ‘I should have noticed’, ‘it’s my fault’, ‘why didn’t I see the signs?’. They may feel angry that the person didn’t say or get help, and also anger about being abandoned because the person chose to leave them. They may also feel heartbroken compassion that the person didn’t see another way out.
Experiencing a loss by suicide, being witness to or discovering a suicide can be traumatic, for example; emergency services, passers by, family members, train drivers.
What can we do to help? If this is your experience, some people find that having an outlet for their grief is important and to be able to talk about their loss and acknowledge the pain. It can be useful to find ways to have an expression or outlet for the grief and maybe the anger. As a wider society, it can be tempting to avoid the person who has had this kind of loss because we don’t know what to say. However, the person has had a loss and we can still acknowledge with them their pain.
Please see below the link to an excellent document by the NHS to help those affected by suicide.
I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.
The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.
The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit tobacco into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.
The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.
The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.
The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started.
Time and time again music has provided a form of healing for group members. With this in mind and the current situation around the world we thought we would create a short playlist which we hope can provide some healing for you.
Why is music effective?
Faster songs facilitate concentration and alertness while slower songs promote calmness. These effects frequently last even after you’ve stopped listening. Music also impacts breathing and heart rate, reducing stress, lowering blood pressure, boosting immunity, and improving overall health.
A Life Worth Living 