Posted in Weekly Blog

Can I Accept Compliments?

Today we looked at what compliments meant to people. We broke the discussion into four key points;

  1. How do you find giving compliments?
  2. How do you find receiving compliments?
  3. What are the rules/beliefs you attach to giving and receiving compliments?
  4. Is there any difference between confidence and arrogance?

Group members did not seem to have too much of a problem in giving others compliments.

What was a big challenge for them was being able to accept compliments. Receiving compliments made them feel slightly awkward and uncomfortable. Some of the examples and beliefs for this were;

  • “I find compliments hard to believe due to my low sense of self-worth”
  • “They don’t really mean it and are just being nice”
  • ” They are just sweetening me up as they want something”
  • ” They will find out the real me and not like it”
  • ” They are doing this as a joke at my expense”
  • “I don’t want people to think I’m a big head”

We then finally discussed whether local culture plays a part in these beliefs. In the U.K. we can tend to be very self-depreciating finding it hard to big ourselves up for fear of ridicule from others. Is it a confidence thing and we don’t wan’t to be seen as arrogant? There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. so where is the fine line? Below is a snippet of an interesting article from Dr Leisha Bailey on this

*Arrogant people build themselves up by putting others down – to “win”. Buddhism asserts that arrogance is to judge one’s self-worth by comparison with others. Arrogant people feel good about themselves only through affirming their superiority to others. Genuinely confident people feel great about themselves without comparing themselves with others. Arrogant people tend to bluff their way to success and often have difficulty listening to others. This person will avoid risks or blame others or circumstances if things do not work out as expected*

*Confidence is not a belief that one is always right or a sense of being unable to fail. True confidence welcomes alternative perspectives and opinions. A confident person rarely will be found lecturing or preaching to others on how they are wrong. Believing you are always right and unable to accept influence from others can make one obnoxious to be around. Confidence is being willing to be wrong and knowing you’ll be OK if you are. A truly self-confident person is able to show vulnerability and admit to past mistakes.*

*Taken from Dr Leisa Bailey*

Posted in Weekly Blog

Tolerance and attitudes in society

In this session we decided to have a look at our own unconscious biases and prejudice. It can be very easy to be judgmental of other peoples prejudice (Yes! I know that’s ironic). It can be easy to get self-righteous about the prejudice of others without being aware of our own as per a spectacular piece of graffiti which used to grace a bridge in Edinburgh saying “Go Home Bigots”. And here I am self-righteously judging their prejudice, and so it goes on!

We looked at the ‘Unconscious Prejudice Questionnaire’ which we did notice some of the language maybe had an unconscious prejudice of it’s own. People quietly reflected upon areas where they maybe did have a bias, we noticed that sometimes we are afraid to admit this. But people did share biases and we noticed that often these were connected to personal experience.

Everyone has implicit biases and prejudice, these come from family upbringing, cultural norms, media portrayal of certain groups and about people groups with whom we are not familiar or not educated about-ignorance is not always bliss, nor is it helpful. Businesses, recruitment and community suffer when we discriminate due to unconscious bias, we miss out on skill, diversity and different perspectives. As is often the case in our conclusion, keeping an open mind, being open to be educated and as we did in this session and be honest about the thoughts you are uncomfortable with.

Posted in Weekly Blog

Escapism through movie characters

Group members talked about who their favourite movie characters were and why. They agreed that fictional characters provides them a feeling of escapism from their everyday lives. Movie characters can be form part of our public consciousenss in the same way as pieces of music do.

Imagining how your movie character would deal with someone who has bullied you can help inspire you with a little bit more strength. Equally a very anxious child can imagine having superhero powers like Spiderman to keep them safe.

Below is an example from Spiderman;

Posted in Weekly Blog

Overcoming Fear of Failure

The word failure in of itself can create quite a negative feeling for people by conjuring up feelings of humiliation, disappointment, smashed expectations and things that went wrong. We explored the difference between what failure actually is, and what it means for us and our identity.

Failure is something which did not work, or something we did not do. When we start to apply failure personally; ‘I am a failure’ we can get into upsetting territory. Maybe if we view failure as something at which we tried but wasn’t for us, perhaps we gave it our best, but whatever happened, we did not succeed, seen in this way we can view failure as something from which we learn, and not something we should make people feel bad for. We talked about not being invested in the outcome, but just being able to be free to be you in the process and encouraging the same in others; if we are not stressed about the outcome we are more likely to be creative, productive and work from a place of joy rather than anxiety.

Group members reflected that not succeeding at something can be helpful for teaching humility, building resilience and quite possibly leading us down an alternative route altogether to be successful in something we hadn’t imagined or set out to do. Derek Redmond and his father did not set out to the 1992 Olympics in Barcelona intent on becoming on of the most inspirational, moving, father and son examples. More likely they set out to set a record and win gold. However, the hamstring injury totally changed what was achieved that day. Failure also teaches determination and not losing heart-look at Edison and his 10000 light bulbs!

Someone in the group suggested that the difference between success and failure is a good story! And Nelson Mandela famously quoted Marianne Williamson:


“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

What exactly did she mean by this? Have we sometimes got so comfortable in not succeeding to the point of not trying something different, and we can get comfortable in the negative story that we tell ourselves about ourselves that we wouldn’t know what to do with success and needing to change our story?

Is the fear of failure greater than the hope of success? Has being stuck become more comfortable than the discomfort of risking doing something new?

Group members reflected on changes and successes they have made and observed each other making over time as we have been meeting together.

Posted in Weekly Blog

The trouble with sleep

Ahhh, sleep is an issue isn’t it?  Vastly undermined as to how bad we actually feel after a bad night’s sleep, or run of them, or full blown insomnia, affecting mood, concentration, appetite, libido and serious health conditions both physical and mental.  Affected focus and slower reflexes mean that lack of sleep can be as dangerous as alcohol when it comes to driving on a lack of sleep.

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People spoke about their differing sleep problems, whether that was being unable to get to sleep, or falling asleep ok but then waking up and having a disturbed sleep, or only being able to sleep for a few short hours at a time. Some people also recognised that they can sleep too much and use sleep to escape from facing daily life; we know that sleep disturbance is one of the symptoms of depression.

Some of the reasons for being kept awake are internal such as worries, thoughts and processing the events of the day and problems. Other things are external such as noisy neighbours, children, seagulls or perhaps getting sucked into box sets! For some people it can be the anticipation of unwanted dreams or nightmares and it is the fear of that which keeps them awake. Some people spoke about feeling guilty for going to sleep when they needed to others view this as being lazy.

The discussion moved towards seeing our sleeping patterns as a cultural issue. We have a 24 hour society, people are expected to work late, having breaks can be frowned upon, and people are expected to respond quickly to work emails and messages. There is no space during the day to process what is happening. By the time we lie down at night to sleep, our brains can become very busy processing the day and keeping us awake.

We considered cultures where siestas are a natural part of the day, with an early start and a later finish but with a much more relaxed part of the day in the middle.

Other cultures, or business models recognise that not everyone is productive 9-5 and encourage people to finish when they are done and start when they are ready and this can achieve greater creativity and productivity. It was suggested that perhaps western society has informed our sleeping patterns due to the current business model and the layout of the working day; also industrialisation and digitialisation whereby we are further and further removed from our natural world and we are trying to fit our bodies into artificial schedules.

The group discussed that what might help better sleep is a more holistic approach; trying to find a sleep pattern where we can sleep when we need to-some people find power naps useful for example. Reducing stress overall would be helpful and what may assist this is creating space throughout the day, giving oneself time to process and reflect on the day’s events as they occur.

People gave their different experiences as to what has helped them to sleep, these included meditation, hypnosis, sleep apps and power naps. Interestingly, most people did not remember having difficulty sleeping as children.

Posted in Weekly Blog

Songs that make me laugh!

This group regularly cite music and the arts as an important therapeutic tool for their well-being.  Today we wanted to continue this musical theme in a more light-hearted way and look at music and performances which made us chuckle. As musical tastes are totally subjective this can lead to some finding certain songs to be funny that were not necessarily intended to be so.

Below are some of the videos we watched.  Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Posted in Weekly Blog

How do I know if I am becoming ill

We started to explore this topic by firstly thinking about how do we know when we are well and what keeps us well. When mental health is good people acknowledged that they are more likely to stick to a routine, sleep is likely to be better. People noticed that they were more likely to keep things in perspective and stay in contact with friends and family. In well times there is a more positive view of the future along with good motivation to get up and do things-and to enjoy and find pleasure in those things, other people notice that ‘I’m my normal self’.

So in becoming ill, people notice that the above factors start to be affected; instead of having things in perspective ruminating can occur with the negative voices become louder. There may be disruption to routine, sleep and eating habits and maybe use of alcohol or drugs or other behaviours which can be destructive such as unhealthy reward seeking like self-harm or excessive shopping. Debt can become a problem along with avoiding people and irritability if with people, or a highly anxious energy. We asked also what happens with relationships, people said they may become more withdrawn, and feeling like they are not deserving.

We then began to think about what can help in these times; having a place to communicate how you are feeling is really important whether that is a supportive family, friends or a group like this. People spoke openly about how it feels to be suicidal and that it helps when you can talk about it openly and directly rather than people skirting around the issue as they are worried that mentioning suicide may put the idea in someone’s mind.

It’s useful to know what keeps you well, as when these things start to change this is an indication of becoming unwell, with the awareness of this people may be able to recognise that this is a time to use support and self care plans and to go gently.

https://medium.com/call-me-a-theorist/emergency-care-wall-self-care-tips-that-work-321916ba3ac3