Today we looked at what compliments meant to people. We broke the discussion into four key points;
How do you find giving compliments?
How do you find receiving compliments?
What are the rules/beliefs you attach to giving and receiving compliments?
Is there any difference between confidence and arrogance?
Group members did not seem to have too much of a problem in giving others compliments.
What was a big challenge for them was being able to accept compliments. Receiving compliments made them feel slightly awkward and uncomfortable. Some of the examples and beliefs for this were;
“I find compliments hard to believe due to my low sense of self-worth”
“They don’t really mean it and are just being nice”
” They are just sweetening me up as they want something”
” They will find out the real me and not like it”
” They are doing this as a joke at my expense”
“I don’t want people to think I’m a big head”
We then finally discussed whether local culture plays a part in these beliefs. In the U.K. we can tend to be very self-depreciating finding it hard to big ourselves up for fear of ridicule from others. Is it a confidence thing and we don’t wan’t to be seen as arrogant? There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. so where is the fine line? Below is a snippet of an interesting article from Dr Leisha Bailey on this
*Arrogant people build themselves up by putting others down – to “win”. Buddhism asserts that arrogance is to judge one’s self-worth by comparison with others. Arrogant people feel good about themselves only through affirming their superiority to others. Genuinely confident people feel great about themselves without comparing themselves with others. Arrogant people tend to bluff their way to success and often have difficulty listening to others. This person will avoid risks or blame others or circumstances if things do not work out as expected*
*Confidence is not a belief that one is always right or a sense of being unable to fail. True confidence welcomes alternative perspectives and opinions. A confident person rarely will be found lecturing or preaching to others on how they are wrong. Believing you are always right and unable to accept influence from others can make one obnoxious to be around. Confidence is being willing to be wrong and knowing you’ll be OK if you are. A truly self-confident person is able to show vulnerability and admit to past mistakes.*
In this session we decided to have a look at our own unconscious biases and prejudice. It can be very easy to be judgmental of other peoples prejudice (Yes! I know that’s ironic). It can be easy to get self-righteous about the prejudice of others without being aware of our own as per a spectacular piece of graffiti which used to grace a bridge in Edinburgh saying “Go Home Bigots”. And here I am self-righteously judging their prejudice, and so it goes on!
We looked at the ‘Unconscious Prejudice Questionnaire’ which we did notice some of the language maybe had an unconscious prejudice of it’s own. People quietly reflected upon areas where they maybe did have a bias, we noticed that sometimes we are afraid to admit this. But people did share biases and we noticed that often these were connected to personal experience.
Everyone has implicit biases and prejudice, these come from family upbringing, cultural norms, media portrayal of certain groups and about people groups with whom we are not familiar or not educated about-ignorance is not always bliss, nor is it helpful. Businesses, recruitment and community suffer when we discriminate due to unconscious bias, we miss out on skill, diversity and different perspectives. As is often the case in our conclusion, keeping an open mind, being open to be educated and as we did in this session and be honest about the thoughts you are uncomfortable with.
For a more relaxed session today and informal conversation we held an ‘arts and crafts’ session-well loosely anyway. Having started with a mindful breathing exercise we had a couple of sheets to focus on something in particular if that is what people wished. One was ‘the healing flame’ helping individuals track a recovery process. This could be from past abuse of any kind. As a group we have witnessed members grow, grieve, become stronger and back to themselves having had abusive situations in their past. The other was a mandala prompting thoughts of things to be grateful for. Individuals chose different exercises for personal reasons. For some, tracking the linear process of recovery was helpful and for others a more circular idea of coping made more sense as life cannot always be tracked in linear process as anyone living with recurring anxiety or depression may well know. Whichever way we view our own recovery, our emphasis here is that movement is always possible; from the despair to hope and from broken dreams, hopes and crushed spirits to new growth, strength and contentment. Conversation was shared among the group as we worked on these exercises about how people managed, coped with and perceived life’s difficulties, leaving people feeling heard and understood.