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Who are my true friends?

The group said that the qualities which made a good friend were loyalty, that means that someone can be trusted to not repeat what was shared in confidence. People enjoyed common interests but also different interests in friendship. A good friend would be understanding, encouraging, and able to tell you hard things even though its difficult because they care about you and what is in your best interests.  Good friendships are encouraging, growing, equal and mutual which means support is given both ways when needed.  Boundaries are understood and respected, as are values.  Honesty, authenticity and being genuine were seen as important qualities in a friend.  We also discussed ‘the eggshell factor’ meaning that there was balance in the relationship about being to directly tackle ‘anything in the room’ and an ability to break tension and awkwardness and the freedom to be honest and not having to play games around each other, able to have a dialogue about what is going on.

Good friendship qualities are being discreet, kind and fun and sharing humour. It was highlighted that the importance of friend relationships can be a bit underrated in society because there is such a focus on dating and marriage when actually friends are so important and no less necessary even  if you are in a relationship! Some of the group recognised that sometimes a lack of friends is to do with circumstance and not an individuals ability to make friends. We may look at how to make friends in a future group, as this can feel difficult in some seasons in life, for example moving to a new place, following the breakdown of a relationship or having low confidence.  A shared history was also seen as a good contributor in a friendship, and especially shared values as people thought it would be quite difficult to be friends if someone had extreme views which conflicted with closely held values. 

Things which people thought were not indicative of true friendship were abuse, control, belittling, sarcasm, not really caring but exploiting and taking advantage and someone who is not genuinely interested in how you are but is all about their own self interest.

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Expressions through poetry

In this group we talked about poetry. What is a poem? Maybe it rhymes, maybe not but it probably has a rhythmic quality, and perhaps it will use symbolic language; speak to us in metaphors and veiled imagery, maybe it will be able to talk about difficult and taboo subjects in aesthetic and acceptable ways. An ordinary topic gets made mysterious, or a difficult one becomes beautiful, emotions can run, flow more easily into wistful, torrential linguistic expressions.

Some members shared poems which they had written, others remembered poetry from childhood and we looked these up. And together the group wrote a poem:

Ups and Downs

What’s the difference between up and down?

We come from all over the town

We might wear a smile or we might wear a frown

What’s the difference between up and down?

Up is light and down is shite,

Mixed emotions, spinning head

I’m glad I got outa bed

Come to the group and deal with all the things inside ma heid

Or suffer Paul’s bad jokes instead

Or was it better staying in bed?

Liz’s calm meditations led

It’s great to see our Thursday friends

‘cos my week’s been driving me round the bend

If I miss three weeks I make amends

Why does the darkness precede the dawn?

We offload all our thoughts and grief

Feeling better as we leave

After check out we can breathe

Feel strong to tackle the week ahead

Now it is time to get fed

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How to become more positive

Today the group began talking about some of the stuck places we can find ourselves in. This may be due to circumstances; difficulties with health, finances or repetitive disappointment. We acknowledged these factors but began to acknowledge that the way we speak to ourselves about events could be changed for a different mindset allowing more potential, possibility and optimism. Some of the group shared about ways in which they had dealt with negative thinking patterns. One of these ways was by noticing what the thoughts were rather than just operating from feeling and doing. By becoming aware that it is the ‘Think’ which influences the feel and do, the person had made big life changes and was more positive. Another person shared about ‘fake it til you make it’ and how this had helped them to force themselves through difficult situations, ultimately this was helpful as in the end they did feel ok. This was about sometimes adopting a state of resignation or acceptance of a difficult, unchanging circumstance because in the end this served the best interests of those involved rather than fighting.

People chatted about the positive energy it takes and the force required to make changes, even getting out of bed some days when energy or mood is low takes an incredible amount of force, however we concluded that in general people do not regret getting up or getting up earlier so it is worth the discomfort. Mel Robbins speaks about this too in the Ted talk below.

We also considered the mind body connection, our low thoughts can make our bodies heavy and vice versa. Altering a state in one may well alter the other. Another tip from the group was to think of 3 positives for a negative as they had found this very helpful. Each time there is a negative thought about something, or one of those pesky ‘What-if’s’ think of three to counter it.

Some other regular themes of discussions in our group were revisited too as ways to become more positive, such as finding things to be thankful for, being aware of the stories in our heads, the content of our conversation with others, be kind to yourself-which includes being able to say no things and assert boundaries. We talked about commitment to following ideas through too even if we don’t feel like it . People talked about Mel Robbins (above) 5 second rule whereby it’s important to follow an idea with some kind of action within 5 seconds otherwise we lose the impulse.

We know that it is not as simple as swapping a negative for a positive. However, from our discussion and people sharing their experiences of what has worked for them, there are some proactive steps we can take to introduce our negative bias to an alternative perspective.

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When relationships with food become unhealthy

Over the years we have done a good number of sessions about our relationships with food; healthy food, how food affects mood-specifically the link between gut health and mental health and changing our eating habits. In this session we looked at what happens when our relationship with food becomes the behaviour through which we try to manage difficult emotions and thoughts.

We looked at three specific types of eating disorder; anorexia, bulimia and binge-eating and a syndrome called authorexia which can sedge way into anorexia.

Much of the following information is adapted from a webinar from SMART Recovery calledBehavioural Addictions — A Look at Gambling and Eating Disorders with Dr. Chris Tuell and Ms. Ann Hull ‘

Anorexia is an inability to maintain weight and the body goes into starvation mode. The body craves carbohydrates but these messages are ignored. The brain produces opioids creating a high .  The experience of starvation becomes a high due to the numbing effect from the opioids. Anorexia can take many different forms from not eating, eating but then vomiting and also over-exercising as well.

Anorexia often starts in adolescence. The way out of disordered eating is through eating, so it’s complicated to recover from something you have to do every day. Research shows that the average adult makes 226 food related decisions every day. It’s important to remember that it’s not about the food.  People talk about the food, but it’s not about the food.

Bulimia is a pattern of binge-eating and then purging in order to prevent weight gain. It’s not a fear of food, it’s a fear of weight gain. Getting rid of the food creates a high, people start out purging so they can eat more food, but in the end it morphs very quickly into eating more so you can purge.

Binge-eating is defined as eating much more rapidly than normal until feeling uncomfortably full. Eating large amounts of food when not feeling physically hungry. Eating alone because of being embarrassed by how much one is eating and feeling disgusted with oneself, depressed, or very guilty after overeating.

Authorexia is defined as a syndrome, it is a focus on clean or healthy eating, or only organic etc which has become obsessive. It becomes time consuming, expensive and very restrictive meaning often the absence of food options, coupled with weight loss it may morph into anorexia.

People use relationships with food to cope with emotions in the same way that people self medicate with drugs or alcohol.

When eating starts again, just like any addiction-when you give up, all those feelings come flooding back, and they’re never the feelings of joy, peace and happiness they are usually resentment, anger, unhappiness , disappointment sadness so no wonder people want to give them up.  So we have to learn to sit still with all those uncomfortable feelings, about our bodies, who we are, about our life.

People in the group were able to talk about their own experiences of having difficult relationships with food at times. In thinking about what can help it is worth remembering that eating disorder is a symptom of emotional dysregulation. People say they feel fat, but fat isn’t a feeling. We focus on food and weight so that we don’t have to feel emotions because sometimes we have been conditioned from childhood to suppress these feelings for various reasons.

Because discorded eating is rooted in emotional pain it is helpful to find healing and supportive relationships. Also, because we take less care of ourselves when we are stressed we talked about a particular breathing relaxation method called vagus breathing.

The vagus nerve connects your gut to your brain, and is an important part of the parasympathetic nervous system which allows us to “rest and digest”, the opposite of “fight or flight”. A way to reduce stress or improve decision-making, is by doing a few rounds of vagus nerve breathing based on four breaths in and eight breaths out which stimulates the vagus nerve. Participants in a research project who focused on breathing patterns with longer exhalations for two minutes reported lower levels of stress. They were also able to do significantly better in answering test questions. Researchers concluded from the study that breathing patterns reliably increase heart rate and improve decision-making.

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Can I Accept Compliments?

Today we looked at what compliments meant to people. We broke the discussion into four key points;

  1. How do you find giving compliments?
  2. How do you find receiving compliments?
  3. What are the rules/beliefs you attach to giving and receiving compliments?
  4. Is there any difference between confidence and arrogance?

Group members did not seem to have too much of a problem in giving others compliments.

What was a big challenge for them was being able to accept compliments. Receiving compliments made them feel slightly awkward and uncomfortable. Some of the examples and beliefs for this were;

  • “I find compliments hard to believe due to my low sense of self-worth”
  • “They don’t really mean it and are just being nice”
  • ” They are just sweetening me up as they want something”
  • ” They will find out the real me and not like it”
  • ” They are doing this as a joke at my expense”
  • “I don’t want people to think I’m a big head”

We then finally discussed whether local culture plays a part in these beliefs. In the U.K. we can tend to be very self-depreciating finding it hard to big ourselves up for fear of ridicule from others. Is it a confidence thing and we don’t wan’t to be seen as arrogant? There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. so where is the fine line? Below is a snippet of an interesting article from Dr Leisha Bailey on this

*Arrogant people build themselves up by putting others down – to “win”. Buddhism asserts that arrogance is to judge one’s self-worth by comparison with others. Arrogant people feel good about themselves only through affirming their superiority to others. Genuinely confident people feel great about themselves without comparing themselves with others. Arrogant people tend to bluff their way to success and often have difficulty listening to others. This person will avoid risks or blame others or circumstances if things do not work out as expected*

*Confidence is not a belief that one is always right or a sense of being unable to fail. True confidence welcomes alternative perspectives and opinions. A confident person rarely will be found lecturing or preaching to others on how they are wrong. Believing you are always right and unable to accept influence from others can make one obnoxious to be around. Confidence is being willing to be wrong and knowing you’ll be OK if you are. A truly self-confident person is able to show vulnerability and admit to past mistakes.*

*Taken from Dr Leisa Bailey*

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Tolerance and attitudes in society

In this session we decided to have a look at our own unconscious biases and prejudice. It can be very easy to be judgmental of other peoples prejudice (Yes! I know that’s ironic). It can be easy to get self-righteous about the prejudice of others without being aware of our own as per a spectacular piece of graffiti which used to grace a bridge in Edinburgh saying “Go Home Bigots”. And here I am self-righteously judging their prejudice, and so it goes on!

We looked at the ‘Unconscious Prejudice Questionnaire’ which we did notice some of the language maybe had an unconscious prejudice of it’s own. People quietly reflected upon areas where they maybe did have a bias, we noticed that sometimes we are afraid to admit this. But people did share biases and we noticed that often these were connected to personal experience.

Everyone has implicit biases and prejudice, these come from family upbringing, cultural norms, media portrayal of certain groups and about people groups with whom we are not familiar or not educated about-ignorance is not always bliss, nor is it helpful. Businesses, recruitment and community suffer when we discriminate due to unconscious bias, we miss out on skill, diversity and different perspectives. As is often the case in our conclusion, keeping an open mind, being open to be educated and as we did in this session and be honest about the thoughts you are uncomfortable with.

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Healing Flames and Gratitude Mandalas

For a more relaxed session today and informal conversation we held an ‘arts and crafts’ session-well loosely anyway. Having started with a mindful breathing exercise we had a couple of sheets to focus on something in particular if that is what people wished. One was ‘the healing flame’ helping individuals track a recovery process. This could be from past abuse of any kind. As a group we have witnessed members grow, grieve, become stronger and back to themselves having had abusive situations in their past. The other was a mandala prompting thoughts of things to be grateful for. Individuals chose different exercises for personal reasons. For some, tracking the linear process of recovery was helpful and for others a more circular idea of coping made more sense as life cannot always be tracked in linear process as anyone living with recurring anxiety or depression may well know. Whichever way we view our own recovery, our emphasis here is that movement is always possible; from the despair to hope and from broken dreams, hopes and crushed spirits to new growth, strength and contentment. Conversation was shared among the group as we worked on these exercises about how people managed, coped with and perceived life’s difficulties, leaving people feeling heard and understood.

The Healing Flame we found on a website called ‘Letting Your Light Shine’.

“Let Your Light Shine”
Developed by Alexandra House 2014
Adapted from the Healing from Abuse Wheel by Kate Cavett

The following mandala was found on a website called ‘Today’s Inkling’.